So, I’m gonna try this again.

Ever feel like your life is like a soap opera?

I mean, the whole overdramatic, rollercoaster ups and downs.  This applies to SO many aspects in my life, but for right now – let’s stick to the one thing that is taking over my life these days… BOYS.

Or, I should say one boy in particular.  Let’s call him … bad boy, or BB.

And I am in love with him.

OK, Im sure anyone that reads this would immediately say, “wait, this is a guy that you are IN LOVE with and his name is, all of things “bad boy??” Don’t worry, I’ve heard it all before and I have thought it time and time again.  But if you ever have felt those uncontrollable “love” feelings, you would probably understand.  So, here’s the backstory:

I met BB last August at a random get together that my friend was having at a local mexican restaurant.  We sat next to each other, and flirted shamelessly for hours.  At one point, when I was considering leaving, he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said, “well, what if you happen to fall in love tonight?”  Needless to say, I didn’t go home.  The night took us to a couple of different bars and by the end of the evening we were dancing in the middle of hundreds and people.  All I noticed was him.  There we were, slow dancing to some fast song, and he kissed me.

We started to see each other casually, once a week or so, for a few weeks.  Although I loved being with him when we were together, it was when we weren’t that I would start having doubts.  There are a lot of reasons for this:

• He wasn’t the “type” of guy I was looking for on paper
• He wasn’t Jewish (which I am).  Now, this isn’t a problem but I had just gotten out of a five year relationship with a man who wasn’t Jewish and I was hoping to meet a Jew for the next guy that I date.
• He has a couple tattoos (gasp!).  I know, stupid.
• He didn’t go to college
• He doesn’t have a lot of money because he just changed careers.  
• His family is pretty messed up and all over the place – not the kind of family you really want to get involved in

So, I kept dating.  I was online going out with men who were perfect “on paper” who I never really fell for. I was allowing myself to be set up with men who had stable careers and who came from a good family, etc.  None of these guys came close to BB.  None of them made my heart race and made me smile and made me feel like when we were together, no one else existed.  Is that what love is??

BB and I did become exclusive for a short amount of time.  But I wasn’t happy.  He was not finding stable work and because he doesn’t come from a family with money, he really was struggling to pay his own bills, which in turn left him feeling down and bad for himself.  How can you be in a relationship and expect to make a woman happy if you can’t even make yourself happy.  I ended things with him and found myself MISERABLE.  So I went back to him.  We decided that we were going to try to make things work – in a non-labeled, no expectations, no pressure way.  It worked for a little while.  Unfortunately, his work/money status hadn’t changed much (this was around the holidays) and we found ourselves back in the same boat.  I was left wanting more and had made comments here and there which made him feel like less of a “man”.  So, BB broke up with me.

I was a MESS.  Depressed, missing him, hating him, loving him.  So confused.  I had no idea why he wanted me out of his life completely.  I figured that there had to be a way to make it work.  After a month of feeling alone, hopeless, empty, he reached out to me.  We were in each others lives for a little bit of time until I found out about some things he was doing behind my back that I found a tad shady.  No, not cheating on me but … let’s just put it this way – I wasn’t a fan of it.  I told him I didn’t want him in my life as long as he was involved in it and left it at that.  

I tried to move on – I really did.  I dated a couple of guys – some better than others – but none of them were BB.  None of them made me want to smile as long as they were around, or rip their clothes off like I do when I’m with BB.  I found myself comparing them all to BB, but would stay in the relationships because, well, they were better “on paper”.  Like that means anything at the end of the day, at least to me. 

About a month ago, BB reached out to me.  My heart literally STOPPED.  Of course I wanted to see him, kiss him, hug him, run off with him, etc.  But did I REALLY want to see him again, so that once again, I could get hurt and be left in the dust?  I had had a glass of wine or two earlier and I had no control.  I needed to see what he wanted.  We met for a drink and he put it all there on the table.  “I LOVE YOU” he told me (he had never been able to say it for the WHOLE time we were together).  He admitted he fucked up, that it was all timing, that he was never in the right place to be in a relationship since I was initially a rebound, and that things were different now.  He explained how he didn’t realize how amazing I was, how much he wanted to be with me until he lost me (isn’t that how it always works??).  When I told him that it was more than that,  it was also what  he was doing on the side, he promised he was stopping it and even let me look through his phone and emails to show me that he wasn’t lying.  He told me why he even got involved with it and how much he HATED it all and wanted to change for himself, but also for me.  

I told him that we had a big problem.  A) I lost all trust in him.  B) my friends and family wouldn’t be happy at ALL if he was back in my life since they saw how much he hurt me in the past. C) is it really possible that the bad boy can become good???

At this point, BB wants to be my “one”.  He has told me countless times how he wants me to be his future wife, the mother of our children, the yin to his yang (OK, I made that part up).  He cries to me telling me how stupid he was and how much he will do ANYTHING to prove to me that he has changed and WANTS to change.  I explained to him how I have a tall, thick wall up and it’s going to take more than just a tear and a couple “I’m sorry’s”, because as we all know, actions speak louder than words.  

So far, he’s proving that he’s serious.

There’s been dinners and drinks, nights out on the town and cozy nights in.  He gives me massages if I mention I had a hard day.  He gets me advil and water when I say I have a headache.  Last night, we cooked chicken noodle soup and he watched The Bachelorette with me.  Most importantly, he consistently reminds me of why he loves me.

Is all forgiven??  Oh, HELL no.  Can I see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel?  I’m starting to think so.

 

im feeling grateful right about now

I promised that I would come here today and write all about my dating situation and how crazy it is, but, something else came up.

See, today could easily have been one of the more emotionally draining days I’ve had in a long time.

I was at a funeral and while I was there, my stepdad was rushed to the emergency room.  

One of my very good girlfriends lost her mother fairly suddenly last week.  It was a shock to everyone.  Her mother had had some health and weight problems, and went into what is a typical routine surgery.  Unfortunately, her recovery did not go as planned, her circulation slowed and she became brain damaged.  She went on life support, and in what could have been the hardest moment of their lives, her family pulled the plug.  Sadly, my friend lives in DC and wasn’t able to make it here in enough time to say goodbye.

I found the news out days ago, and was shocked and definitely sad.  And then I went on with my life – because isn’t that what we do?  We feel something, something so great like “wow, I would just lose it if MY mom passed away”, and then feel horrible for the person that is going through it, and then, maybe hours or a day later, we find something more “important” to focus on.  I quote the word important because really?  Nothing could possibly be more important than the loss of a loved one.

I’m gonna admit something here.  Probably because this is completely anonymous and therefore I don’t really feel judged.  I think sometimes, I’m a selfish, shallow, bad friend.  It’s not always, because I pride myself on being a person with a good heart that loves the people in my life and would do anything for them.  But sometimes?  I tend to put myself first, or a party, or good TV, or the gym, or a guy BEFORE what’s really important.  Saturday was the first service for my friend’s mother.  It wasn’t the actual funeral (which was today and I knew I would be there), it was a Buddhist memorial service that took place literally ten minutes away from my house.  My friend invited me and I said I couldn’t make it.

I was laying out with some girlfriends and a margarita instead.

This morning, as I was getting ready to drive to the service, I had a big ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  I mean, really, who likes funerals?  The last one I was at was my beloved grandfathers in 2000.  I just remember it to be extremely sad and uncomfortable.  But he was older, and he had cancer, and I was there surrounded by loved ones.

This one was different.  Yes, of course I have known my friend for over 10 years, but I had only met her mom once, maybe twice.  I had heard many stories about her whole family but had not met them.  Same with her friends.  All of the friends that could be there today are in my friend’s Buddhist circle.  They all had a very tight bond and I was going to be there, in a sad, sad environment with no support group.  Once again, pretty selfish, huh?

On my drive to the funeral, I received a pretty panicked call from my mom.  My stepdad had been acting weird for a day or two.  His coordination was off, he had stumbled a couple of times, and was very lethargic.  My mom didn’t want to take any chances so she called 911 even though my stepdad, who is a very healthy, vivacious 65 year old, resisted.  My mom said she’d call me when she knew more.  I hung up the phone, scared, worried, and nervous.  And then I got out of my car.

Wow did it feel good to hug my friend.  She looked so beautiful and was so grateful for everyone that showed up.  She sat me down with her friends who were incredibly welcoming and loving and I immediately felt comfortable.  Then the service started.  

The next 1.5 hours were a blur of music, laughter and MANY, many tears.  I was so surprised how emotionally moved I was hearing my friend and her brothers speak about a woman whom I had only met once.  I felt like I got to know her today.  The truth is, it didn’t matter whether I knew her or not.  She was a mother.  She was a wife.  She was a sister, and a daughter, and a grandmother.  Most importantly, she was a fighter.  For those of us that don’t remember to do this enough, call the people that are in your life and TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM.

My stepdad’s cat-scan came out clear.  He started to feel a lot better, but his doctor suggested that he stay overnight for observation and tomorrow, he will meet with a neurologist and have an MRI. I spoke to him today, and told him I loved him, and he told me the same.  Part of me feels like he felt he needed to let me know, you know, just in case.

Today, I am grateful.

I am grateful for my mom, and my stepdad, and my dad.  I am grateful for my sisters and brothers, and for my amazing niece.  I am grateful for the people in my life who are there for me and love me.  I am grateful for my health and for the health of the ones I love.  I can’t say that enough.

After the funeral, as we stood and watched my friend’s mother’s ashes be buried, we all said the following in unison:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. 
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

 

 

rollercoaster

Do you ever have good days and bad days?

How about good hours and bad hours? 

Lately, that is what my life feels like.  

One morning I will wake up and feel ON TOP OF THE WORLD.  Nothing can bother me or bring me down.  The sun is shining.  I am feeling skinny (a HUGE determiner of a good day btw).  I get a great workout in.  Work is wonderful – people are smiling around me.  I’m feeling positive and optimistic about where my life is headed with my career and I feel hopeful that “the one” is just around the corner if not already here.

And then there will be a bad day.  Those are the ones like today.  I didn’t sleep well last night (or any night for the last 6 nights for that matter).  I am bloated and congested.  I can’t figure out what to wear or how to do my hair and therefore, I am running late to work.  I feel depressed about my current dating situation and can’t, for the life of me, feel any ounce of hope that the right one will ever come along.

Days like today suck.

I am working so hard to not allow myself to get down on days like today.  Sometimes, it’s just impossible.  My mind is a muddled mess with everything going on and I really want to get it down in writing – so that everything can just become more clear.  Unfortunately, tonight’s not the night… I have a headache that is out to kill me and I can’t stop yawning… the screen is getting blurry….  Tomorrow, I’ll be able to share it all…  Tomorrow WILL be a better day.

 

how do I even begin

Last night, I had the pleasure of seeing a screening of the new film, “Julie & Julia”.  It’s a wonderful movie about two women (Julia Child & Julie Powell) who lived during different times, in different cities, yet lived somewhat parallel lives.  They both found themselves drowning in boredom, a general feeling of “blah”, passion-less, and purpose-less.  Through their love of cooking, they found their paths to happiness.  It is a movie all about love, hope, and most inportantly, inspiration.  

I dare say it was fate that I received an invitation to see the movie weeks before it was released to the public.  

I should not hold back in this space, in my space, and therefore I will just say it.  I am drowning.

My life consists of work, sleep, friends, exercise, men, food, wine, etc.  All of the “good” things that one wishes for in their lives.  Unfortunately, it’s not enough for me.

I seek a passion for something, a purpose for this life I lead.  It’s too damn easy to fall into only shallow things living here in LA and I am determined to not live that kind of a surface life.  I think, no, I KNOW that there is more out there for me.  Or should I say more IN here.  Having a creative outlet where I can write about the good and the bad and all in between will force me to take a good, hard look at myself.  I’ll be able to keep myself “in check”, and also, hopefully, feel the need to experience more and dig deeper.  

The movie reminded me about why we are here, on this planet.  Everyone should have a passion, goals, a path.  I’m 28 and I’m not entirely sure that I have found it yet.  Scratch that – I KNOW I haven’t.  Julia Child learned to cook only after the age of 40 and that is her legacy.  

It isn’t too late for me.